Thursday, July 2, 2009: Ready for the 4th

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen, and again I apologize in advance for the funny business.

Disco is giving back after all. Health associations are singing the praises of the Bee Gee’s “Staying Alive” as a great song to sing to yourself during CPR to keep a good rhythm on the chest compressions. This may be the one time that disco could actually prevent someone from taking their own life.

You know, counting the beat here, this is so much better than my suggestion of Van Halen’s “Hot for Teacher…”

McDonald’s is going to start selling a $4 Angus beef hamburger. And here we were thinking nobody could come up with a way to get Mississippi off the Fattest State pedestal. Come on, Alabama! Let’s see some hustle! Give me 20 down to the Arches and back in your car!

Rumor mill wholesale supplier Lindsay Lohan turns 23 today. I don’t know where her party is being held, but I’ll bet the after-party is booked for the LA County Detention Center.

Please Lindsay, confine the bumper cars to Disneyland if at all possible.

Party pics will be available in 8x10, 9x12, and Mugshot.

And if you hear the Emergency Alert sirens tonight in LA, that is NOT a drill…

OK, take a break, time to reload after too many easy targets.

A Canadian Football League player displayed poor taste in doing a Michael Jackson touchdown dance during the Toronto Argos game. Seriously, how in the hell did he sneak a chimpanzee riding a llama under his uniform anyways?

If it were baseball, at least no one would have noticed him grabbing himself.

The Guinness Company is going to shoot the winner of their new contest into space. There’s also a neat second prize in which the company will take you to a special bar 229 feet under the sea in Norway. I have no idea why, though, they would also include a punishment in among the prizes: a live studio performance by the Black Eyed Peas. Couldn’t we have combined one and three, or two and three? The marketing line “Shoot the Black Eyed Peas into Space” surely would have garnered some sales…

I know it would have caused Perez Hilton to switch his brands for awhile…

One last celeb observation for the day. Angelina Jolie is currently earning $2 million a year more than Jennifer Aniston. Make that one more thing Jen wanted that Angie ended up on top of.

I had a friend of the Monoblog bring up that I didn’t talk about the girl who was rescued yesterday that didn’t get properly age-identified by several media sources several times. The reason is that bad reporting just isn’t that funny. The ability to get things out fast plays hell with accuracy. I’d say they should be ashamed of themselves, but it DID stop reporters from tripping over themselves to lunge in front of friends and relatives of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett for ten minutes.

It did not, however, stop Michael’s father from promoting his new record label at her press conference.

Observation for the Fourth of July: Fireworks are usually still legal in places where I like to celebrate the 4th. However, you always run into a peculiar situation around the time to set them off. By the time it gets dark enough, there are usually two groups fighting for the rights to the lighter: kids that are really too young to be playing with fire, and adults who have been drinking way too much to be handling fire.

I always say this one should be decided by which headline you’re most comfortable with:

“Young Area Child Blows Fingers Off with Fireworks”

or “Drunk Dumbass Blows Off Hand with Fireworks.”

Think there’s a clear winner on that one. Have a Happy 4th and for God’s sake, light the fuse and RUN AWAY!