Wednesday, July 1, 2009: Opening Act

Happy first day of Monoblogging, folks, and again I apologize in advance for the funny business.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin told Runner’s World Magazine that she believes she could beat President Barack Obama in a long-distance footrace. That doesn’t surprise me as she’s a regular runner. I just hope she doesn’t get cocky and try to carry an old man on her shoulders over the finish line like she did last year…

The yearly report on the fattest states in America came out today. The yearly Extra Holes Punched in the Belt . . . uh . . . Belt goes again to the good people of Mississippi, who celebrated with cake.

And pie.

And brownies. And then a nap.

I never thought I’d live to say it, but the 2008 elections are finally over. Comedian and SNL alum Al Franken will finally take his place as a US Senator after eight months of fighting over the Minnesota Senate seat with former Senator Norm Coleman. I still think it was a lot of effort to put forth for a live version of Rush Limbaugh is a Big, Fat Idiot.

While we’re on politicians, we have to discuss what’s going on with South Carolina governor Mark Sanford. He’s not only admitted to the affair with the Argentine television reporter, but he’s VOLUNTEERING information that he a number of other affairs. He’s obviously decided to take the anti-Clinton approach to a sex scandal. Instead of denying one affair, just trot out every one you can think of. Evidently the strategy is to put so many women out there for the press to interview and his opponents to talk about, they keel over from the effort.

We should seriously expect him to begin his resignation letter “Dear Penthouse.”

On a similarly smutty line, China has been trying to strong-arm Google into filtering out any possible pornographic content from its search results in the country. So let me get this straight: a nation that is slowly but surely becoming predominantly male is suddenly and totally cut off all internet nakedness. Well, I guess that’s going to drive the price of ice up about a thousand percent… There’s just no way that doesn’t end with riots and bloodshed.

We lost a lot of celebrities last week, and since today seems like kind of a slow day as far as funny things happening, I’ll run down some of those. Michael Jackson passed away at the age of 50, not that it’s any surprise that the word “young” would be associated with his death. What are the tabloids going to do now that the craziest person in the history of print media has passed away? There’s only so much that can be expected from Gary Busey… incidentally, Happy Birthday on Monday to Gary.

All the attention was not lost on MTV, who discovered that they had music videos in the vault that they hadn’t erased making The Hills.

Former Johnny Carson sidekick Ed McMahon also passed away. This isn’t really all that funny, I just want to know if they’re selling off his gold toilet from that Super Bowl commercial as part of the estate.

Seriously. Need that toilet.

The new iPhone 3G S came out last week and there were some reports that the new phone had a number of units with overheating batteries. First the money burns a hole in your pocket, then the phone.

At least you’ll always know that someone’s getting a call when you hear the high pitched screams of “IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”

In the world of sports, Wimbledon organizers admitted recently that they are putting the pairings of the more attractive members of the female bracket on Centre Court over more competitive matches. You laugh, but that Eva Mendes/Megan Fox matchup was some great tennis.

It was the only match of the day where the grunting from the men in the audience was louder than the players.

Finally today,we salute Bernie Madoff for an outstanding contribution to science: involuntarily becoming the first man to be kept alive against his will by any means necessary for the next 150 years. I'd say see you in hell, Bernie, but we'll probably beat you there.

Have a good evening everyone and I'll see you tomorrow.