Thursday, July 9, 2009: Human Fondue and the Turtle Revolution

Funny is our business and business is in a recession!

http://blog.newsweek.com/blogs/thehumancondition/archive/2009/07/08/can-booze-cure-men-s-fashion-phobia-upscale-mensware-stores-across-the-country-hope-spirts-boost-sales.aspx

Best. Idea. Ever. An upscale men’s department store in NYC has decided to get men over their “shopping phobias” by giving away free booze to browse their trousers. I just don’t see the sign that says “You Puke on It, You Buy It.”

Can’t wait for the images of a mob of drunk guys fighting over shoes. That’s when you know it’s time to visit an AA meeting or ten...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31803370/ns/travel-news/?GT1=43001

And the Great Animal Revolution continues. After yesterday’s report about the badger halting traffic in Germany, a gang of miscreant turtles has interrupted service at JFK International Airport in New York. Evidently, they were incensed over the extra fees associated with checking a shell that didn’t fit the overhead bins.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/07/09/new.jersey.chocolate.death/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

Once again, literalism is NOT for the weak-minded. A man has suffered death by chocolate after falling into a vat of everyone’s favorite emotional connection substitute at work. Really, it’s just a recipe violation. They weren’t supposed to be adding nuts at that point...

This definitely goes on the list of “Things That Seem Like a Good Idea But in Reality Would Just Kill You.” I mean, even if he hadn’t hit the agitator, he probably would be burned over 90% of his body. Chocolate is normally a solid at room temperature, and during the mixing process it’s probably INCREDIBLY FRICKIN’ HOT. We’re not talking James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub hot, we’re talking “donating whatever’s left of your body to science afterward” hot. I mean, you could possibly get away with Hershey’s Syrup, but even then you can’t expect it to be like water. You might just sink like a rock.

I put it up there with the Theory of Uncle Scrooge’s Money Bin. Yes, it would be awesome to swim in money, but the physics aren’t on your side. You’d just end up at the bottom crushed to death in a giant mound of pennies.

Actually, I think these should just be saved under another list, “Ways to Kill Spies When I Become a Bond Villain.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/31827905/ns/travel-seasonal/

Vengeance will be ours: According to a survey of 4500 hotel owners, French tourists are the worst in the world. It’s a bad day when we’re being outdone by the French in any category featuring a lack of manners. I blame the recession. Someone needs to get a few travel contests out there so we can get our most unruly and disrespectful back on the road.

Or we can just send them anybody from any show that begins with “The Real Housewives of…” That ought to put the rankings back in order.

USA, USA, USA!

And a final observation from TV land: is there something out there to watch in summer that will make me giggle like a four year old after a bag of Pixie Stix?

If you can watch "I Survived a Japanese Game Show" without laughing at the games, the contestants, or yourself for laughing at either, you are a hard-hearted human being. Or a prick. Or some combination of both.

I still can't get over last night's parting shot of big ol' Bobaloo skipping off into the sunset, big green alien leotard on (deely-boppers on his head, no less) with a big pink stuffed panda under his arm. If that's not the most demented hero shot you'll ever see in your life, someone took a LOT of drugs to make whatever you saw happen...

Check out the ABC website for full episodes to see what I mean. Between that and Wipeout, America has a nonstop source of humiliation as entertainment. And I couldn't be happier...